(Sign Art created by Wendy Malcomson of Creative Sister and Heaven’s Gates painted by Jen Harlow Smith of Blue Plume.)
I don’t like all the political stuff on Facebook and social media. It weighs heavy on my heart to see the brokenness and the fractions in humanity as a whole. I attempt to spend my days (and my posts I usually share) building a life inspired with hope and joy and encouraging this with all who come though my studio. Friends, family, clients- I do my best as a human to navigate where we’ve come as a society, do my best to honor God, stay true and respect the human lives before me each day. I too have had my seasons of brokenness, poverty, severed relationships and heartaches.
But one thing that I cannot “rise above” in our political climate is the recent approval of full term abortions in New York. As a teacher who has worked with children for the last 13 years almost daily, my heart has ached to be a mom. I share the joys of what inspiration and art I have and send the children home to their loving families.
My body tried a few times to hold a child. My heart and soul desperately wanted the babies to stay. But time too soon beckoned them out of my body. As I was violently ill miscarrying my children, each time, my mind was clear and sharp as I ruminated on the tragedy of mothers’ actually choosing to end their sweet baby. My heart mourned for all the unwanted ones, the ones who would have been viable, but human nature can sometimes be a selfish thing. Yes I said it. It is selfish to play God. And dangerous for one’s soul. But, I guess at times we all are selfish and can play God. My heart merely aches for those unborn, who didn’t have a say.
I had a series of dreams not long after losing my first child. In one of the dreams, I was looking over a series of meadows and grassy hills. Light was radiating though the sky, but it wasn’t from the sun, rather almost like a prism or kaleidoscope effect. I realized I was in Heaven. I saw children, beautiful children running and laughing and playing. Among them were animals. Dogs, cats, bunnies, horses, birds and more.
I whispered, “Who are all these children and animals?”
Jesus stood next to me and said, “ These are all the children that have been miscarried and aborted. They find refuge here. Their job and joy here is to care for the animals- these beloved pets.”
The animals were all shades of crystal white, all almost had a prism glow to them.
“Why are they all white?” I asked.
Jesus answered, “You do not yet have the eyes to see all the colors of Heaven.”
So the animals, I could only imagine, were the most beautiful colors that we don’t have on Earth.
I watched a little girl aged about 5 years old in “our time”, sparkling golden eyes, freckles, and shiny blond hair giggle and squeal as a couple children and dogs chased her.
“What’s her name?” I asked.
“She was given up before her time” Jesus replied. “She is waiting to be named.”
It was then I wanted to stay and be a momma for all of them. To hug them, give them each a name and to show them a momma’s love.
I saw my baby boy I had miscarried, Emmanuel (as I had named him), running and laughing with the others. Aged about five as well. But, the children were all safe now, in the arms of Jesus, protected from the selfishness of humanity, the darkness of sinful hearts and the utter wreckage our world can bring.
I awoke from this dream, desperate not to leave Heaven and it’s peace, warmth and love. I wanted to stay, but I awoke in the wee hours of the morning, in my dark room, knowing I had been given an incredible gift. I had seen something I could not unsee. And my job now was to make the best of my remaining time here on Earth the best it could be, not for me, but for all those who need the love Heaven has to offer.
My heart aches on the decision to legalize murder. There is no denying that is what it is. I saw my “fetus” I had wanted to keep. He was a darling boy, wavy sandy brown hair, blue-green eyes and the most beautiful smile and laugh that would melt a momma’s heart. I saw many women’s children who had miscarried or aborted. And there was a reason the fields seem to go on forever. For there were too many children to count.
I choose to teach inspiration and art in hopes of sharing vision with others. Vision in a blinded world- a world which feels angry, dark and depressed.
Every animal we rescue here at the ranch has a story, a purpose, just like each of us. Whether we are on the inside of a womb or out.
Motherhood (from what I hear) is the most selfless act a woman can do. It is one of the deepest acts of love, to give life and to nurture another before oneself.
As my mom told me, “It is your highest highs and your lowest lows.”
But that deep love must be worth so much more than the hard shell of self preservation no matter the circumstances. I choose life again and again, even if it’s only for 7 weeks.